I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
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It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Me :
All Day At Night
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat