I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
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Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!