“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
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I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*