I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
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Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
somebody come look at this
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.