I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

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My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”


Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty


I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.


I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.


Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.


Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.


Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.


[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
lemme see


Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*


[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh