I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
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I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you