I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
You Might Also Like
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Ferrari squats
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Terribly Tuesday.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I’ve had relationships like this
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat