I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
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I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Home is where your toilet is.
meow
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!