I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
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I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
when u come home smelling like another dog
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.