I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
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ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
my nickname in college
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon