Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.

Family: Puts on last night’s movie.

Me: Falls asleep.

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”

when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

This made me chuckle cuz mood

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”