Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.

So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”