I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
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[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*