I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
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a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods