I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
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My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.