I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
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I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*