I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
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“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.