I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
You Might Also Like
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Its true…
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.