I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
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Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
just got my engagement photos
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..