I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
You Might Also Like
*feels the wind in my toe hair
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.