I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
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To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Print is alive and well!!!
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler