i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
You Might Also Like
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Personal question. #JustSaying
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
oh you like architecture? name three walls
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.