I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
You Might Also Like
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
When you’re here for the treats.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.