I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
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I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Accurate
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.