I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
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Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Good morning, Twitter x
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.