I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
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I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
🙁
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping