I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
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I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
happy valentine’s day to me
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.