“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
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Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch