I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
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If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
IT’S-A ME,
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.