I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
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Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.