Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
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sorry this might take a while…
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.