@williamwanton

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

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@stuckinaportal

sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

@jus4golf

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

@vapidaccount

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

@iwearaonesie

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

@TheHyyyype

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

@DevilryFun

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

@sofarrsogud

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

@QwertyJones3

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.