I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

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Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.


You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now


“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article


Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”


6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”


I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home


Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.


I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.