@English_Channel

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

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@JohnnyFrittata

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

@JustinGuarini

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

@Home_Halfway

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

@mary_know

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

@TheAlexNevil

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

@envydatropic

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

@lisaxy424

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

@FattMernandez

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.