I love you…
…r dog.
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Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
There’s no “us” in nachos.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
nobody’s gonna understand
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
me, too, girl. me, too.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
mom gave me mine for free