I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
You Might Also Like
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.