I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
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My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Phones down.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription