I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
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My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Peter Parker Peter Driver
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?