I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
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I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
🤣✨#caturday
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least