i made a craigslist ad !
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If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Danger is very dangerous
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”