I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
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How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
sistine chapel
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Mad Max Arctic Road
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Pizza is an emotion right?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.