I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
You Might Also Like
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
relationship goals
Heroic Misunderstanding
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
titanic
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”