@Dolly0Dolly

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

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@SirEviscerate

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

@Parkerlawyer

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

@dmc1138

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

@TheHyyyype

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

@TheAlexNevil

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

@Swishergirl24

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

@JohnLyonTweets

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

@Rollmaninoz

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

@DougBenson

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive