I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
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[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.