I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
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Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
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Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
What if the weather talks about us?
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.