I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
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shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Feel. He’s so soft.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.