I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
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The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
#Thanos #MondayMood
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary