I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
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You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
They’re on their honeymoon
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.