I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
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Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not