I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
You Might Also Like
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Worth a try
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.