I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
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5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
There are no pants in heaven.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT