I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
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Just a bush.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.