Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi