I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
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Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.