I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
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You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
smartest karate player in the world
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.