I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
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Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?