I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
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My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
And bowling should be called pinball
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me